apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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