You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
