Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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