i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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