You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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