I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
