There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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