we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
