We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
