I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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