All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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