It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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