I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
