just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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