I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize