In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
