Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
