all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
