dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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