This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
