so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize