you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
