i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
