I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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