it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
