my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
