I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize