You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
