apparently the secret to your success is patron
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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