So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize