I'm sorry my penis didn't work
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
