i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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