Duck Duck Cougar?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
