Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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