On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
