when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
