the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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