ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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