her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize