I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
