It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
