i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
