Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
