I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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