I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's rum buckets o'clock
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
