never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
