If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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