i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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