After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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