So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
