Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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