did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
