I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
