I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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