i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
